I’m Disappointed in Myself


It’s 10:32 P.M. I had a long day (SKEE Live shoot), and hopped into my bed at 8:15 P.M., thinking I was going straight to sleep.

Of course, my mind wouldn’t let me. It was just one thought to the next, which led to me writing in three of my notebooks (yes, there really are three different kinds that all fulfill a specific purpose), tweeting and now writing a post.

I cannot seem to defeat consistency with my blog and videos. One day, I’m so excited and write out literally 10-20 different topics I want to touch on, then end up not writing any. I watch my numbers grow and then just let it die down over the week. I started to think about all the shit I could have wrote about in the last few days: going to a co-workers housewarming party and feeling like I was in college again (shit hasn’t changed I stayed in the same spot the whole time lol), Logic’s show at The Wiltern, the message from church on Sunday, a four-hour roadtrip and dinner with one of my good friends that was filled with a conversation of so much inspiration, my interview with Sevyn Streeter yesterday that left her thinking and saying she felt like she was in therapy, to a chaotic, yet interesting day today for SKEE Live with YG, Lil Boosie and DJ Mustard and then even the things that happened in between all that, that I won’t write about until years later. (Don’t worry it’s nothing crazy like bad, but good, and crazy to think that that’s something that’s just normal now). On top of all that, I had a bajillion thoughts run through my mind, that I know you could relate to – I’m bad at remembering names, I hate people who are a different person to a specific group of people, I’ve been learning how to cook a lot lately, my birthday is around the corner and I’m pissed I’m turning 24, why do iPhone chargers have to be so flimsy and break all the time, I’m an emotional ass person, I just went inside Whole Foods for the first time and that food was actually good, the therapy session I just held with some of the guys at work lol, I just started watching Orange is The New Black, I hate confrontation, I’m really happy etc. All those thoughts have nothing to do with each other, I know. Sounds crazy, but you know you could relate to at least one of them.

All of that happened in a span of 5 days, and I did not write about any of it. I did write something though, it was about change because I was irritated by something. I wrote a whole post on it but never posted because I knew it was just going to piss people off. Basically, it’s this constant writing, erasing, deleting, rewriting and overthinking that has kept me from taking my blog to it’s true potential.

After just taking some time to myself tonight, I finally figured out what the fuck the problem was lol. I am not being as transparent as I should be.

People always ask if I’m scared that some of my posts are too personal, and I used to say “no” but just realized my actions didn’t match my words. I’m pretty open about shit, but there’s a lot of shit I haven’t talked about or shared on my blog for whatever reason and I know that’s exactly why it hasn’t been working out consistently. I hold back from writing about things that I know you could relate to because I don’t think it’ll do as well as my other stuff, or will be too personal and used against me in some way – but failed to remember a lesson I learned long ago: there’s a place for everything.

Tonight, I vow to be transparent, and use my stories and experiences to motivate you in a level I never have before. I encourage you to do the same. Fuck what other people may say or think. Do you. Be you. You’re you for a reason.

To be honest, I don’t even know if this post makes sense, especially because I didn’t read over it. I just wanted to write what was on my mind so I could sleep. On that note, goodnight.

 

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